bloody hell, it's Monday again

We spent the past 4 days house/dog/cat sitting for my bosses while they went to NYC. That's one of the many perks of my job. I love the animals, I love sleeping in the most comfortable bed I've ever rest my head in, I love turning on the fireplace and on demanding movies while it's raining outside. I have to take the dogs out every day I work anyways, so it's no big deal to add a few more days to the schedule. I also enjoyed being in my old neighborhood the Castro all weekend.
Ready for a funny story?!!!!
Yesterday I decided to go for a walk after Cat left for work to go purchase more coffee and just listen to my ipod. Well, I was hauling ass through the crowded streets and I passed this girl who was walking really slow. I noticed her side pony tail and knew right away she was an out of towner just from her stagger and clothes. (Not to be judgmental but most SF lesbians dress the same) . Well, as I passed her I accidently brushed her hand with my hand and I instantly thought to myself "Uh oh". I made it to the corner and I felt a tap on my shoulder. OH fuck. I don't remember exactly what she said first but it was followed by "girl you are hella fine". She asked me where I was going and told me she was going to walk with me. I had to cross a busy intersection walking with this tall white girl wearing a side pony, trucker hat,green contact lenses, some fake bling with her initials on it around her neck, baggy pants, an airbrushed HUGE tshirt. I was so fucking embarrassed. SO the light turns green and she's like "Well, I guess we better start walking". I told her I had to run errands and she's like "Girl, you need a big girl like me to be with you and protect you". I told her I had a girlfriend and she's like "That's hella hot".She was drunk and had no idea how to form a sentence. But I did hear that she just broke up with her girlfriend and that she was from Napa. I asked her if she was lost and needed directions and she was like "Naw girl, I'm gonna hang with you now". Then she followed me to the bank and told me my eyes cut right through her and then kept saying "Napa Valley ya'll" to strangers passing by. After I got my money I told her she needed to walk one way because I was going to walk the other. I told her not to follow me and good luck. Then I hauled ass to my po box and I eventually saw her making her way past it and peering through the windows. SO I did the only thing I could think of, I hid behind a box. Oh man. Funny shit if it was happening to someone other than me. I was secretly hoping no one I knew would see me, but then I also had it in my head that If i saw anyone, ANYONE I was going to proclaim they were my boyfriend/girlfriend.
So, I made it home and had to laugh at the fact that nothing like that has ever happened to me.

Grief

Sitting on the couch, surrounded by dogs,fireplace on, rain outside, Fred Astaire movie on in the background. Sometimes nothing helps. I just picked up my book "Surviving the death of a sibling" for the 2nd time since losing my sister. It's hard to read because it makes sense, it makes me cry , and it makes me realize how lost I feel. I feel like no one ever asks me how I'm doing, but I understand. People probably are afraid to bring it up, maybe no one knows what to say. Maybe no one wants to hear about it. Maybe people have forgotten.
It's not just about losing my sister. It's about how in the process I've lost a part of myself. I'm not sure I even want to find it again. Oh how life has changed in 6 months. How am I doing? I'm ready to throw a couch through a window or pack up my "life" and move at any given moment of the day. I'm ready to fill a hole in my chest with things I think might make me feel better. Should I go to school? Should I take a trip? Should I eat a bag of doritos? Should I take yoga? Should I get a dog? Should I get a different job? I feel like giving up on the one thing I've loved for so long, my music.
My brother started going to church again, he is seeking comfort in god. I can't relate.

Tra la la

Just got cable again for the first time in 6 months. I sort of don't know what to do. The tv is on right now but I'm just on my computer like usual, making my way through the social networks. I made myself a new mix to listen to in the van I drive for work. I'm pretty excited about that. 

  Tonight is Flourish, the new gay night where you have to dress up. Also the new club that Cat was the model and flyer designer for. I hope I can stay up. Lately I've been tired as all shit by 9pm.  I hope I don't have to knock any girls (or guys for that matter) out who try and get with my woman. Everywhere I go people are talking about the "Hot girl" on the Flourish flyer. She'll be the lady of the night and I feel lucky that she's my date! After work we are going to put on our dresses and head over to get our drink on. Bartender keep em coming! Then back to my job where I'm house sitting all weekend. House sitting/pet sitting. I don't work tomorrow so tonight could be really really fun.

  


OH my god I almost forgot. The most amazing thing happened to me! I had a dream last night that involved My sister, My step mom AND my grandma!!! All in one dream!! I have only had like 2 dreams of my sister since she's passed and she is usually a toddler in them. This one she was like 15.  Also in the dream was me, my grandpa, Dad, brother Dustin and friend Lisa.  It was a pretty basic dream but everyone was there and it just felt nice. I woke up feeling super excited .... 

Random thought of the day

 Cat and I got lost in the Millbrae Bart station for a good 20 minutes on Thursday. It all went wrong. We ended up walking off Bart and using our tickets to waltz right over to the Cal train track, I felt so embarrassed I picked up my phone and pretended to talk on it, which was even more retarded then standing there looking lost. Then we couldn't find the exit. Once we found it, our Bart tickets were almost empty of money since we used them to go to the Cal train. WE tried to add more fair but none of the meters were working. So, up and down the escalator again and back up  to the station agents. Cat knocked on the door and the bitch says "You don't need to knock, the door is open". Sorry for having manners.  One woman with a bad perm was asleep with her feet up on the desk. They all hated their jobs clearly.  They made us feel stupid and we wanted to knock them out.  I'm surprised Cat didn't get all Jersey on them. Getting home was much easier, thank god.Then we held hands as we walked through the Mission and both secretly were hoping we were not going to get shot. And then we came home and cooked a pizza and accidently left the cardboard on it. I guess that shit can happen when you are having an off day.  It was so hilarious though.  The entire day left us laughing so hard.   Good times.   

   

Good Morning Mr. President

I always cry like a little baby whenever Obama speaks.  Actually, I look at him and he's always so poised and strong, and I just get weepy. I just feel proud.  I bet that's how parents feel when their children achieve a goal. I hope that's how it feels anyways.  I feel proud of the kids I babysit all the time. I also get to go home afterwards and crack open a beer and remember why I'm happy I don't have kids. I'm proud of myself for that!  Someday I suppose, but not now. 

   I'm a rambling mess, a Proud rambling mess.

  I woke up to find a little sketch of an Elephant with the words "oh how I love you aja blue!" written around it.  It's really the little things. That put me in such a happy mood I can't even explain. 

  

 

    

   

pain in my neck

 If I could go one day without thinking of anything from the past, I would hope that today be the day. I'm not in the mood. 

When ceilings cave in

 I'm listening to the sound of a wind machine. Actually, I think it's called a turbo fan.  Last Thursday part of our bathroom ceiling came caving in after a pipe burst from the unit above us.  Until it completely dries out we are stuck listening to the sounds of a loud fan and dehumidifier. 

      My mom wrote and asked me what my goals and dreams are for 2009. I was sort of stumped. I guess life has felt so overwhelming these past 6 months that I hadn't really taken a moment to think past the day to day.  I told her yoga looked like a good thing to start in the 09. Not only because my therapist said it would be good for me, but because I'm stiff as a board and need some flexibility in my life.  I'd also like to quit therapy.  I'd like to get up before 10am every day and do something productive.  I would like to make a pod about the fentanyl patch ( the cause of my sisters death) and try to get it on Current tv.  I would like to be a better listener. I would like The Bruises to record an ep. I would like to be more motivated about things, including the band.  I would just like to feel like me again.  Actually, I guess I'd like to get used to the "new" me.

    This sounds all depressing and sad, but I'm really not writing it with a Debbie Downer approach.  Things on a day to day are going really good.  Great actually.  New home, beautiful girlfriend who is amazing, I got to see my family over the holidays and that was beyond fun, friends who always keep in contact with me even though I may suck at it at times.  I'm staring at a vase of beautiful tulips my girlfriends got me. Awwww, so much love.

    I'm running late and need to shower. 

hello

I'm back.  

  Here's to hoping 2009 doesn't suck the life out of me like 2008 did.