Another BLOG

http://ajablue.tumblr.com/

This one will be a little less wordy. BUT, IT's brand new and I can update from my phone AND I sort of love the layout.
I'll still update this one every now and then. I like having a couple blogs. Why not?

Had a year of bad decisions. Breaking point. Not sure where to go anymore.

really?

Drinking boxed wine and watching that crazy show with the family who has 18 kids. What is my life coming to?

Song

I hate that Blogger doesn't let you post mp3's.
Jenni and I have been writing lots of songs for The Bruises new EP. Mostly starting the material on our own and then finishing it together. Here is a song I've been working on, I love it very much, however can't come up with the Perfect middle or ending. It's been sitting in my laptop for months. Jenni and I worked it out, but after playing it back my heart isn't feeling it. SO, here is the unfinished product. I still love it...even unfinished. Since I"m unable to post mp3's, i made slideshow using some of my favorite images I got off the world wide web.




update:
Wow, it sounds like shit. My vocals didn't come through very well at all for some reason. Oh well, I'm leaving it up anyways. Just listen on good speakers or headphones, but it still sounds pretty crappy.

August 3rd 2009

August 3, 2009.
Today officially marks one year. My dad called me at 9am to see how I was feeling. He called me the same time last year to deliver the news, officially making today the worst day of my life. I told him I’m sad but am going to try my best to make today a good one. I’m not quite sure what “good” means when you are mourning and grieving. It’s 10:56 A.M. and I’m still in my pajamas. I’ve spent my morning thus far on Facebook updating my status to “Today is 1 year without my sister Kelsey. I miss you pretty girl every day in every way”. Hoping somehow the comments from my friends and Kelsey’s peers will help make this day better. Throwing it out there for everyone to see that I’m having a hard day and please keep me in your thoughts. Wondering if I’m going to get in the shower. Wondering if I’m even going to get dressed today. My best friend Jenni is going to come over and we are planning on watching old home movies and maybe playing some music. I can’t really explain the sadness right now. Today my house feels really empty, I feel eerily alone. Last year I had everyone around me, but my sister. A funeral can bring a certain comfort that you just don’t get at the one -year mark. A funeral brings everyone together. Everyone rally’s around to let you know that you are not alone, family fly in from across the states, people come and hug you who you haven’t seen in years, little children do cartwheels in the yard and make you laugh making life feel so simple for brief moments throughout the day. People bring over food, sit around and tell stories, your boss tells you it’s ok to not work for a while, everyone is there for you and your family, holding you up with their little gestures of comfort and laughter. Letting you know that it’s ok to fall apart, you don’t have to think about a thing they will take care of things and do the thinking for you. Reminding you to eat, reminding you to laugh, reminding you that you are still alive. It feels for a moment that yes, everything is going to be okay. Then, each day, fewer and fewer people are there. Work, obligations and life will take them back to their own lives. 364 days will pass and then you wake up one year later to no ultimate support team around you to help you through the hardest day of your life and feeling eerily alone.

Dinner with a Mmmmmmm

It's been a long time since I've had a meal that makes me moan with every bite and say the lords name a whole lot for no reason other than I'm in heaven. It's been one of those days. WE woke up with high hopes of some city adventure but instead ended up doing laundry, complaining about the shitty weather and hanging out in our house all day. WE decided to reward ourselves with a good meal, wine, and a movie to make it all worth while.
I went to whole foods the other day and for some reason bought some Leeks but haven't touched them. So, I decided to cook creamy leeks and butter beans and Cat made filet mignon with a homemade balsamic sweet pan sauce. I also made a salad. The meal as a whole went together perfectly and we both devoured it with no words, only moans with every satisfied fork to mouth rotation. The wine was a Malbec and actually went really well with the dish. This was maybe the 2nd time in my life I've cooked with Leeks. I found the recipe on Jamie Olivers website and I'm telling you it was beyond yummy. Cat's started her Filet Mignon baking then ended up sauteeing in a little olive oil to give it a nice crispy outer layer (which I love). The sauce she made was sweet and subtle, it didn't take away from the meat at all.
The entire time I was eating the beans I was thinking of my Grandma Blue, for some reason she's the only person I can think of that knew and would often make white or butter beans. That woman could cook Julia Child under the table. And was a lot cuter too...

So without further ado, here are the pics of the meal

Dinner with a glass of Red



The halfway point with no signs of stopping



The little beggar by my side



Clean plate club



I'm hoping to make this meal a lot. I would suggest you trying it!

all in a day

I love my job, Here are a few reasons why.
1. I can bring my girlfriend whenever she doesn't have to be at her 9-5
2. Simon is the best 10yr old in the whole world
3. I get to hang out and have fun

New Bruises

Here we are. Jb and I in my living room working on new Bruises songs. This new EP is going to be a bit different. First, we are writing everything in our own houses and using garage band as our songwriting base instead of jamming as a full band in our practice space until the song comes together. 2ndly we are driving to LA to work on preproduction with Michael Eisenstein (Letters to Cleo). WE have never really worked with someone who is a musician and can listen and give us an ear and help make our songs the best they can be. This past year has been really tough for the both Jen and I. OF course, all we've wanted to do was play and write music, but life doesn't always allow you to do the thing you love. Finally, almost a year later, we are emerging with some new material and probably our most honest EP yet. In writing we are figuring out that we're changing, our music is growing along with us. WE don't have a drummer, we've given up our practice space. WE are literally playing and writing music right now because we really love it and it makes us happy. Next time you see The Bruises live who knows what the stage will look like. There could be 4 of us, 6 of us, or just 2 of us and one rocking laptop. This video was taken on a Monday. Neither of us work on Mondays. Jen came over to help work on a song I started but needed her to finish. That's the way all of our songs go. WE need the other one to put in that secret ingredient and make it complete. Can't wait to record !

The love of art

Tomorrow my little sister Hannah is auditioning for "So you think you can dance". Whatever happens, I'm so happy she is giving it a shot. I'm glad she is being brave and going after her dream. She is such a beautiful, sweet girl, and she is really an amazing dancer. I'm not just saying that as a sister, I sort of can't believe how good she is. I'm so proud of her and know that dancing is what makes her truly happy. I love chasing the dream. Shit, I'm 30 and have no intention of stopping....just shifting a little. I love my sister so much. My sisters. Love them both. Miss them both.
Cat took me to see Wicked Recently. WOW. I cried about 6 times. When I see people living their dream, a dream that most people think might be too far fetched, it gets me. I cried because it was beyond amazing. The costumes , the singing, the story. I cried because I thought it was amazing that some person sat down and wrote this musical. I cried because I thought of all the hours, tears and sweat these people put into this show, I cried because it truly moved me. As we were leaving I turned to Cat and said "I want to go again". Jenni and her girlfriend saw it last night...FRONT ROW. She said she could see their sweat. . . I'm a little jealous, but SO grateful I was able to see it. I saw "The Color Purple" in NYC and I swore it changed my life. I feel the same about Wicked. Maybe I was meant to be a broadway star?!!!! ; )

There was also a mistake in our show during the song Popular. Glenda tried to jump on the bed but didn't make it and the witch started laughing and they had to do some ad-lib . I'm not sure everyone caught it, but I did. And I loved it. That to me is how you define a true artist. Things don't always go as planned and you have to improvise .
I can't wait to go see another show and cry my face off . I love the arts!!!

I also recently went to the Moma museum to see the Richard Avedon photos. They were beautiful. I had no idea you could take pictures until I was in the last set of the exhibit so I snapped this one of Janis Joplin



And speaking of beautiful things, check out Cats bike! For our anniversary I got her new tires and a new chain:



And she got me a tattoo. My grandpa isn't going to be very happy. Last time I was home he told me to STOP getting tattoos. I said I wasn't going to get anymore, but apparently I did. I hate to disappoint my elders! But then again, Everyone I'm going to grow old with is covered in them so we'll all be wrinkly old tattooed broads together.

All in a weekend

4th of July weekend was a busy one. I just now uploaded the pictures and videos that I took and decided to share. FIRST of all, I need to say that fireworks in the city suck. Did I already post a blog about that? I don't know what I was looking for, but it just doesn't compare to the open skies of home.
Maybe this was a span of 2 weekends, but it included bloody mary's at Zeitgeist, darts at the Kilowatt while "killing time" waiting for Little Star Pizza to open. After beating Cat at Darts ( Seriously, I needed to say that because she beats me at every single thing we do) we realized Little Star had a long wait so we started to walk home. . . which is a far ass walk. Stopped by a place we had wanted to eat at for a very long time called Spork. This place turned out to be amazing. WE were slightly shit-faced at the time but enjoyed our meal SO much. WE like to split everything, so we got an appetizer, entree and a dessert.
ON with the pictures already!

Cat working on her $11 bloody


Me..probably a little tipsy



Darts!!


Our clean plate at Spork after our delicious goat cheese appetizer


Cat on our way home from Fireworks


The city on the 4th of July from Bernal Hill



Finally, the video of the big firework finale. Um, I thought the show was just getting started at this point. ITs really hard to watch the fireworks from Miles away on top of a random hill surrounded by hundreds of people in the foggiest place on earth. Check it out:

I'm a sucker for a dancing baby

This is hilarious

Summer

Today we went to the Alameda Fair. WE mainly went for the food, to gorge ourselves until we couldn't move. I don't think I've ever been to the Fair as an adult, so we also made our way directly to the beer garden and enjoyed pricey yet delicious brews. Cat played games and won me 2 fish (which I gave to JB) and a Kenny stuffed animal as well as a stuffed frog(Lola is chewing on that right now). After 2 beers we decided going on a ride would be a grand idea. Fuck. WEll, I chose the TIlt a whirl because it was my favorite as a kid. ( I will post the video of Cat N I dying as we hold in our vomit). I was doing one of those things where you start to pray to god that the ride ends fast..like "dear god, please make it stop I promise I wont drink any more beer". But it seemed every time I would close my eyes to pray our little tilt a whirl cart would head off into an endless spinning parade. We were not feeling it at all. Needless to say me and Cat were out for the count for a good hour. WE had to lay in the grass and drink water water and come to the realization that being old kind of sucks when it comes to riding rides. I was pretty sure my day was ruined, but after a corn dog we were back in the game!

I don't do new

I think my new macbook is a lemon.
Even when they handed me the box after I paid for it I felt in my heart that something was wrong. Sure enough, I keep having problems. The latest and greatest is that I used headphones on it for the first time last night and now my volume doesn't work without the headphones. I need to take it in this weekend (add to my list of things to get done) and pretty much tell them I want a new one. I don't want it fixed because there will just be more problems. At this point it's like an unwanted child.
Speaking of children, two of the 9 year olds i watch are now "going out". The girl asked out the boy...via text. How 2009.
Speaking of the girl, I told her once again that she needs to wear deodorant but she just laughs. I also need to tell her if she doesn't I'm going to throw up all over her. Her twin brother is SO much of an opposite and I love it. He's going to be a homo I can just tell. Or at least dabble in it for a bit before settling down with his Gwen Stefani.
OH children, they say and do the darndest things. I will keep more interesting tidbits for another blog. Like how the 9 year old girl gets thoroughly offended if I don't call her my best friend or the funniest person. Every shift she asks me who is the funniest person I know...and every time I say "My best friend Jenni". And every time she lets out a sigh and is all "What?!!!" WELl today she asked again, and AGAIN I said "My best friend Jenni" and she was like "I can't take it anymore! What does JEnni do that is SO funny?! How can she be funnier than me?!!" Oh dear, she has no idea.
I'm going to work tomorrow a stick of Teen SPirit in my hand.

Sister

http://www.vimeo.com/4483618

random stuff..aka..my favorite stuff to post

* it feels like it's 12 degrees outside

* I think I'm getting the swine flu

* We have a show in LA friday playing with our old drummer Alicia which I'm totally excited and slightly nervous about.

* Cat is addicted to Word Fu on my iphone (it's a word game)

* I got a new macbook with part of our royalty check from MTV. ( I hope there's reruns)

* Cat and I started the p90x workout plan. However, after not being able to walk for 3 days we have been scared to pick it up again. But we are still motivated and determined to get ripped.

* I think my nose is getting bigger and more crooked with age.

* It's been almost 9 months since my sister passed and not a minute goes by that I'm not thinking of her.

* trying to plan a trip to Hawaii with Cat and some friends. Trying to make it during Pride since neither of us want to be here and participate. I usually turn into an asshole at Pride and ruin relationships/friendships etc...so either way I'm not participating this year because I suck.

* you should probably follow me on twitter

* I saw 17 again with the twins and now I have a slight crush on Zac Efron. The boy can dress.

* Been driving Sheila up and down hills not knowing she only had 5% brake power left. I feel lucky to be alive.

* My girlfriend is really good at drawing and really good with her words and some mornings I wake up to adorable pictures with little notes left next to them. It makes me so giddy. AND she also makes me coffee every morning. I mean, really, that's so fucking sweet.

I'm wrapping this up because I could write pages and I don't want to bore the people.



* my love

Oh yeah, I forgot

SO I recently turned 30. I didn't want to stay in the city so Cat found us a cabin to rent outside of Big Sur. Cat the Jenn's and I hopped in the mini van and started our journey down the curvy highway 1. We didn't know it was going to be such a long drive, I was thinking 2.5 hours tops. Oh if only the drive was that short.
There are plenty of places to pull over and check out the view along the way, but not many places to get gas and use the bathroom. So, when we saw a cute little barn that sold fresh jams, snacks and coffee we pulled over. Cat and I were about to pee our pants and walked daintily to the port-o-potties. I heard Cat yell "Oh hell to the mutherfuckin No" and I immediately did an about face and headed out of there without a 2nd glance. They were beyond disgusting. So after going in and buying coffee, we trekked across the yard and just peed in the grass. I want to write a book called "The places I have peed". I've had some interesting stories. Anyways...
It was probably around hour 3.5 that JB started feeling car sick and we had to pull over for her to puke. Highway 1 is on the coast, beautiful drive but it does nothing but curve around for hours and hours and hours. You are high, low, in the fog, in the sun, but constantly on a curvy road. We knew we had to be getting close to our destination since we had passed Big Sur about 50 miles ago. WE were all getting cranky and stir crazy. Our directions said something like "You will pass a school, then a campground, at the next dirt road turn left". Yep. We were officially in the middle of nowhere.
WEll, we found that school, and that campground, and when we saw the dirt road I began to break out into a sweat. This was a narrow dirt road leading straight up into what seemed like nowhere. Mini van don't let me down now! About half way up this road we saw Louis, the lady we were renting from, she was sweet and just like I had imagined. Bright red lipstick, glasses, hair sprayed hair and sweet as pie. She gave us more directions and we were off. THis drive was scary as shit. One wrong move and we would have tumbled down a cliff to our death. This cabin better be worth it.
And it was. When we finally reached "home" it was beautiful. Hot tub, outdoor kitchen, The view was remarkable, flat screen tv's with cable (thank god because the weather sucked the entire time). We had to buy all our food and wine before hand and bring it with us. WE had a great relaxing time. We played games too, which was so much fun. Our last night in the house there was a storm that I was sure going to wash the dirt road away. Jenni said she was convinced the house was going to blow off the cliff. WE all woke up the next morning like "Did you think we were going to die?" We are princesses apparently. I mean, just a mile down the road there were people camping in tents.
This is getting long, but basically I wanted to say it was quite an adventure and my 30th will for sure stand out to me. I had a great birthday with wonderful people who I love. The drive home will have to be for another blog...again, memorable.

The cabin:


The drive there looked like this:


The view outside our cabin window:

Girls upper body strength

JB



Cat



Me




This shit is hard.

Cheese and Wine

We had a very small wine and cheese gathering last night. I've always wanted to do this. You know, spend tons of money on cheese and finger foods and pretend to be adults. We spent the night stuffing our faces with the yummy goodness and plowing through 7 bottles of wine. I am feeling it today let me tell you. Sweet jesus my head hurts. Anyways, here are some pics.








The cheese was so good! We also had salami, fruits, figs, dates, baked brie on little breads, baked goat topped with this yummy spread Cat made, chocolate, baked pears stuffed with goat cheese and wrapped in prosciutto. Billy brought the BEST goat cheese ever. We would spread it on a piece of salami, put a basil leaf in it, roll it and then moan at how good it tasted.
Anyways, the night was fun. We also attempted to do chin-ups and I video taped it. I also made everyone watch my Kriss Kross vhs tapes....I was really drunk at that point.
Here's to cheese, wine and great friends!

I like food, food is good

I love taking pictures of my food. I'm one of those people. I get SO excited to have a good bite. To quote my aunt Dianne "I could cry over a good steak". I start talking about what we are going to have for dinner when I'm eating breakfast. I also complain a lot afterwards about how I feel bloated, gross, fat, I'm never eating again.. but hey, it's all worth it when the moment of actually eating is almost sacred. I love food. Seriously.
So here are some pics. I have a lot more but would have to look for them. I'm talking almost 5 years of California goodness I've been snapping at here and there. I make a big deal about anything involving food.
Here are some fairly recent ones. The salad I made the other day, and continue to make almost every night. Cat's mom and sister came to visit and her mom made us a Korean feast. The stuffed chicken breast wrapped in prociutto that cat made.Pork chops. And of course my personal favorite, my good friend Beth's bacon wrapped green beans I stuffed my face with when I went home to Illinois for christmas. YUM!!!

Orange jicama sliced almonds kalamata olives yum!



Korean Feast. I really don't even know what this is, but I was in heaven.


Cat makes a yummy pork chop


I don't know how to cook meat, only salads and veggie stuff. So Cat also makes a mean stuff chicken


HEAVEN!!!! (don't even hate, you know bacon is the best thing on earth)

My left hand sucks

I read that if you brush your teeth with the opposite hand it's supposed to stimulate your brain and help with things like depression. Really? Well, I've tried this for the past 2 days and I just feel retarded, and like my teeth are not properly cleaned. Brushing my teeth with the opposite hand is one of the only things I could imagine trying besides maybe throwing a ball or using a fork and spoon. I would never pour a glass of wine with my left because it would spill and I'd get depressed. (the exact opposite of the study). I would never try flat ironing my hair with my left because I'd for sure burn my ear off or something. I'd 100% never ever try and use the opposite hand in the bathroom. (Don't even try putting an image to that). Shaving would take me ten thousand years.
Anyways, it's an interesting challenge. So if you are feeling like laughing at yourself, try brushing your teeth with your opposite hand.

Things to do before turning 30, Part I

Pee in Urinal



Check.

anxiety anxiety

I hate my 2nd job. I really do. It's basically the same as my 1st job, except with a very dysfunctional family with attention deprived twin 9 year olds, an autistic 14 year old boy who hates me, a mother who is trying to hold it together, and a father who walks around in his tighty whitey black briefs every shift. Not to mention, both parents are home the entire time I'm there. Even the dog is crazy. The 9 year olds are so desperate for attention that I can't even go pee without them saying "Aja!!!!! where are you??" I have tried to reason with myself saying "this job isn't that bad, I mean, I don't have to deal with shitty customers and the money is pretty ok". However, the more I am there the more I convince myself that I never want to have kids, and that's sort of a sad thought. I get really sad being there. It's such an unhealthy environment to spend my time in. I'm not exactly in the best head space anyways, and that house makes me want to cry and just point out to them how nuts they are and how I'm never coming back. I only work 2 days a week there, but that's enough to give me such anxiety that I can't sleep at night.
I've convinced myself I'm going to quit , but sometimes doing something I feel is the right decision is hard for me. Also, the mom just busted her knee and is pretty much bed ridden for the next 3 months, which makes my duties extra. So, I feel bad saying I want to quit, but I JUST can't take it anymore.
Ok. I know this is boring, but it feels good to write about it and get it out.

I was in the grocery store the other day shopping for family #1, and when I turned around from grabbing a carton of eggs autistic boy was there with dad from family #2 and staring at me. I said Hi and he instantly huffed and puffed and turned around. I thought "go fuck yourself" even though I know he's autistic....he's not retarded. He's kind of mean. Anyways, It just creeped me out because every where I went I would look up and find him staring at me. Yeah. Peace out family #2. I'm out.

indoor fetch

Cat came home early from work yesterday (sick) and we proceeded to pull out our sofa sleeper and watch movies and sleep on it all night. We only left the house to go eat vietnamese food. (which was super yummy ) Knocked ourselves out with Nyquil and slept poorly all night on the sofa sleeper. It's a tempurpedic mattress and we put a memory foam topper on it, but it still feels a little uncomfy in the middle of the night.
Poor lola hasn't been on a proper walk in days. We just take her out for little 5 minute stints to pee and poop then she's back inside. I was trying to motivate myself to go to the park with her, but the thought makes me tired. So, instead we are playing fetch inside. I sit on the couch and throw her little stuffed giraffe into the kitchen and she chases it like a mad woman. God she's cute.
Can someone please tell me how Muse, a 3 piece band, gets such a HUGE sound? They are on tv right now and I just can't even believe it. I really like them. I wish I was more of an equipment nerd and knew how to use all the synths and pedals and play onstage with a computer set up blasting beats on top of my guitar. Everything I own musically is because Jenni told me to buy it. I've always wanted to make music but never cared about the technical aspect of it. Maybe that's why I'm secretly a drummer. (I keep telling myself that). I really do love the guitar though. I finally feel comfortable with it, after like 11 years of playing.
This is boring. I'm rambling. Coffee and sudafed will do that do a person.
;Back to fetch I go.

Monday = I'm sick

For real. My body hurts and I have been in my pajamas since yesterday. Knocked myself out with nyquil last night and called in sick to work today. Thank god for that, but I do wish I was feeling better and could get some stuff done.

Saturday Cat and I played basketball. She kicked my ass. I'm sort of a competitive person when it comes to sports, but I've learned to be more humble since meeting her. She's beaten me at every single things we've done. One of our first dates we went mini golfing..she kicked my ass. Then we did the batting cage...she kicked my ass. We always talk about playing basketball together but I've secretly been a little scared. Her coach used to pay her to make baskets, and she also once scored over 50 points in a game. Um, so yeah. She beat me. IT was really fun though. I can't wait to play again. Needless to say, we are both really sore from our one day of athletic activities.


After Basketball (and showers and food) we took a zipcar to Saulsalito for a quick getaway from the city. Ice cream, window shopping, and Lola being a complete freak on a leash. (no reference to that awful song. Who did that? Korn?)




Yesterday (sunday) I stayed in all damn day. Cat cooked dinner last night and it was SO good. (I love to take pics of my food)


WEll, Now I'm going back to bed.
Sorry I made my pics too big. I'm delirious.

bloody hell, it's Monday again

We spent the past 4 days house/dog/cat sitting for my bosses while they went to NYC. That's one of the many perks of my job. I love the animals, I love sleeping in the most comfortable bed I've ever rest my head in, I love turning on the fireplace and on demanding movies while it's raining outside. I have to take the dogs out every day I work anyways, so it's no big deal to add a few more days to the schedule. I also enjoyed being in my old neighborhood the Castro all weekend.
Ready for a funny story?!!!!
Yesterday I decided to go for a walk after Cat left for work to go purchase more coffee and just listen to my ipod. Well, I was hauling ass through the crowded streets and I passed this girl who was walking really slow. I noticed her side pony tail and knew right away she was an out of towner just from her stagger and clothes. (Not to be judgmental but most SF lesbians dress the same) . Well, as I passed her I accidently brushed her hand with my hand and I instantly thought to myself "Uh oh". I made it to the corner and I felt a tap on my shoulder. OH fuck. I don't remember exactly what she said first but it was followed by "girl you are hella fine". She asked me where I was going and told me she was going to walk with me. I had to cross a busy intersection walking with this tall white girl wearing a side pony, trucker hat,green contact lenses, some fake bling with her initials on it around her neck, baggy pants, an airbrushed HUGE tshirt. I was so fucking embarrassed. SO the light turns green and she's like "Well, I guess we better start walking". I told her I had to run errands and she's like "Girl, you need a big girl like me to be with you and protect you". I told her I had a girlfriend and she's like "That's hella hot".She was drunk and had no idea how to form a sentence. But I did hear that she just broke up with her girlfriend and that she was from Napa. I asked her if she was lost and needed directions and she was like "Naw girl, I'm gonna hang with you now". Then she followed me to the bank and told me my eyes cut right through her and then kept saying "Napa Valley ya'll" to strangers passing by. After I got my money I told her she needed to walk one way because I was going to walk the other. I told her not to follow me and good luck. Then I hauled ass to my po box and I eventually saw her making her way past it and peering through the windows. SO I did the only thing I could think of, I hid behind a box. Oh man. Funny shit if it was happening to someone other than me. I was secretly hoping no one I knew would see me, but then I also had it in my head that If i saw anyone, ANYONE I was going to proclaim they were my boyfriend/girlfriend.
So, I made it home and had to laugh at the fact that nothing like that has ever happened to me.

Grief

Sitting on the couch, surrounded by dogs,fireplace on, rain outside, Fred Astaire movie on in the background. Sometimes nothing helps. I just picked up my book "Surviving the death of a sibling" for the 2nd time since losing my sister. It's hard to read because it makes sense, it makes me cry , and it makes me realize how lost I feel. I feel like no one ever asks me how I'm doing, but I understand. People probably are afraid to bring it up, maybe no one knows what to say. Maybe no one wants to hear about it. Maybe people have forgotten.
It's not just about losing my sister. It's about how in the process I've lost a part of myself. I'm not sure I even want to find it again. Oh how life has changed in 6 months. How am I doing? I'm ready to throw a couch through a window or pack up my "life" and move at any given moment of the day. I'm ready to fill a hole in my chest with things I think might make me feel better. Should I go to school? Should I take a trip? Should I eat a bag of doritos? Should I take yoga? Should I get a dog? Should I get a different job? I feel like giving up on the one thing I've loved for so long, my music.
My brother started going to church again, he is seeking comfort in god. I can't relate.

Tra la la

Just got cable again for the first time in 6 months. I sort of don't know what to do. The tv is on right now but I'm just on my computer like usual, making my way through the social networks. I made myself a new mix to listen to in the van I drive for work. I'm pretty excited about that. 

  Tonight is Flourish, the new gay night where you have to dress up. Also the new club that Cat was the model and flyer designer for. I hope I can stay up. Lately I've been tired as all shit by 9pm.  I hope I don't have to knock any girls (or guys for that matter) out who try and get with my woman. Everywhere I go people are talking about the "Hot girl" on the Flourish flyer. She'll be the lady of the night and I feel lucky that she's my date! After work we are going to put on our dresses and head over to get our drink on. Bartender keep em coming! Then back to my job where I'm house sitting all weekend. House sitting/pet sitting. I don't work tomorrow so tonight could be really really fun.

  


OH my god I almost forgot. The most amazing thing happened to me! I had a dream last night that involved My sister, My step mom AND my grandma!!! All in one dream!! I have only had like 2 dreams of my sister since she's passed and she is usually a toddler in them. This one she was like 15.  Also in the dream was me, my grandpa, Dad, brother Dustin and friend Lisa.  It was a pretty basic dream but everyone was there and it just felt nice. I woke up feeling super excited .... 

Random thought of the day

 Cat and I got lost in the Millbrae Bart station for a good 20 minutes on Thursday. It all went wrong. We ended up walking off Bart and using our tickets to waltz right over to the Cal train track, I felt so embarrassed I picked up my phone and pretended to talk on it, which was even more retarded then standing there looking lost. Then we couldn't find the exit. Once we found it, our Bart tickets were almost empty of money since we used them to go to the Cal train. WE tried to add more fair but none of the meters were working. So, up and down the escalator again and back up  to the station agents. Cat knocked on the door and the bitch says "You don't need to knock, the door is open". Sorry for having manners.  One woman with a bad perm was asleep with her feet up on the desk. They all hated their jobs clearly.  They made us feel stupid and we wanted to knock them out.  I'm surprised Cat didn't get all Jersey on them. Getting home was much easier, thank god.Then we held hands as we walked through the Mission and both secretly were hoping we were not going to get shot. And then we came home and cooked a pizza and accidently left the cardboard on it. I guess that shit can happen when you are having an off day.  It was so hilarious though.  The entire day left us laughing so hard.   Good times.   

   

Good Morning Mr. President

I always cry like a little baby whenever Obama speaks.  Actually, I look at him and he's always so poised and strong, and I just get weepy. I just feel proud.  I bet that's how parents feel when their children achieve a goal. I hope that's how it feels anyways.  I feel proud of the kids I babysit all the time. I also get to go home afterwards and crack open a beer and remember why I'm happy I don't have kids. I'm proud of myself for that!  Someday I suppose, but not now. 

   I'm a rambling mess, a Proud rambling mess.

  I woke up to find a little sketch of an Elephant with the words "oh how I love you aja blue!" written around it.  It's really the little things. That put me in such a happy mood I can't even explain. 

  

 

    

   

pain in my neck

 If I could go one day without thinking of anything from the past, I would hope that today be the day. I'm not in the mood. 

When ceilings cave in

 I'm listening to the sound of a wind machine. Actually, I think it's called a turbo fan.  Last Thursday part of our bathroom ceiling came caving in after a pipe burst from the unit above us.  Until it completely dries out we are stuck listening to the sounds of a loud fan and dehumidifier. 

      My mom wrote and asked me what my goals and dreams are for 2009. I was sort of stumped. I guess life has felt so overwhelming these past 6 months that I hadn't really taken a moment to think past the day to day.  I told her yoga looked like a good thing to start in the 09. Not only because my therapist said it would be good for me, but because I'm stiff as a board and need some flexibility in my life.  I'd also like to quit therapy.  I'd like to get up before 10am every day and do something productive.  I would like to make a pod about the fentanyl patch ( the cause of my sisters death) and try to get it on Current tv.  I would like to be a better listener. I would like The Bruises to record an ep. I would like to be more motivated about things, including the band.  I would just like to feel like me again.  Actually, I guess I'd like to get used to the "new" me.

    This sounds all depressing and sad, but I'm really not writing it with a Debbie Downer approach.  Things on a day to day are going really good.  Great actually.  New home, beautiful girlfriend who is amazing, I got to see my family over the holidays and that was beyond fun, friends who always keep in contact with me even though I may suck at it at times.  I'm staring at a vase of beautiful tulips my girlfriends got me. Awwww, so much love.

    I'm running late and need to shower. 

hello

I'm back.  

  Here's to hoping 2009 doesn't suck the life out of me like 2008 did.