August 3rd 2009

August 3, 2009.
Today officially marks one year. My dad called me at 9am to see how I was feeling. He called me the same time last year to deliver the news, officially making today the worst day of my life. I told him I’m sad but am going to try my best to make today a good one. I’m not quite sure what “good” means when you are mourning and grieving. It’s 10:56 A.M. and I’m still in my pajamas. I’ve spent my morning thus far on Facebook updating my status to “Today is 1 year without my sister Kelsey. I miss you pretty girl every day in every way”. Hoping somehow the comments from my friends and Kelsey’s peers will help make this day better. Throwing it out there for everyone to see that I’m having a hard day and please keep me in your thoughts. Wondering if I’m going to get in the shower. Wondering if I’m even going to get dressed today. My best friend Jenni is going to come over and we are planning on watching old home movies and maybe playing some music. I can’t really explain the sadness right now. Today my house feels really empty, I feel eerily alone. Last year I had everyone around me, but my sister. A funeral can bring a certain comfort that you just don’t get at the one -year mark. A funeral brings everyone together. Everyone rally’s around to let you know that you are not alone, family fly in from across the states, people come and hug you who you haven’t seen in years, little children do cartwheels in the yard and make you laugh making life feel so simple for brief moments throughout the day. People bring over food, sit around and tell stories, your boss tells you it’s ok to not work for a while, everyone is there for you and your family, holding you up with their little gestures of comfort and laughter. Letting you know that it’s ok to fall apart, you don’t have to think about a thing they will take care of things and do the thinking for you. Reminding you to eat, reminding you to laugh, reminding you that you are still alive. It feels for a moment that yes, everything is going to be okay. Then, each day, fewer and fewer people are there. Work, obligations and life will take them back to their own lives. 364 days will pass and then you wake up one year later to no ultimate support team around you to help you through the hardest day of your life and feeling eerily alone.